As a part of the philosophical revolution that Jason and I are undergoing lately, we are seriously considering moving back to a city- either Philadelphia or Baltimore- in an effort to escape the disconnectedness of living in the suburbs. While some people don't know what I'm talking about, I know there are other people who can identify with the isolation that comes from living in suburbia. I literally do not know any of my neighbors (except for the brother and sister who live right next door- and I spoke with them this week for the first time since December!)
Of course, we cannot really move anywhere until after this new baby is at least 6 months old- since uprooting our family and moving would be quite an undertaking. According to Jason's "5-year plan", we also will not be in position to truly move until we have most of our debt paid off- which would take about 5 years. Consequently, I am faced with the conviction that I am not currently "living in community", as I would like to, but I cannot rationally move somewhere else for a long time.
This conundrum has led me to feel like maybe I should be doing more to cultivate community in my current neighborhood. It's really scary for me to even imagine doing anything to build relationships with my neighbors. It's not that I am introverted or afraid of people; it's just that my neighbors have almost all made it clear that they want nothing to do with me. I find it almost insurmountably challenging for me to compete against rejection from other people. When we first moved in- I was jubilantly friendly to our neighbors. I took homemade cookies over to them, I said "Hi" and introduced myself from our back deck, and Jason even invited them to his graduation party- now almost two years ago. Since those early, rosy days of first moving into our new house, we have been met with complete stony silence. I confess, I have completely stopped trying. I think to myself, "Message received- you don't want to know us and you would rather keep to yourself." I feel rejected- and I can rarely move forward from that place.
Meanwhile, I have transmuted that rejection from just our one set of neighbors to everyone else in our cul de sac. I feel rejection from the busy people who go in and out of their garages all around me, without ever once meeting my eyes with theirs. Jason and I talk about how difficult it is to form relationships- but I sometimes feel this nagging sense that we are just making excuses.
Maybe I need to push my way in, at least a little bit. I may find out that some of my neighbors are lonely, just like me. I am afraid of being further rejected, but I am still unhappy and lonely and isolated- so I should realize that I have nothing to lose. I might just gain something for my efforts. So I continue to grapple with my paralyzing fear of rejection, knowing fully that God is using this inner turmoil to show me that I am being called to create that feeling of community that I long for right where I am. He is showing me that He loves each and every one of my neighbors, and He wants me to show that love to them. I'm not there yet- but I have a feeling that things are going to change sometime soon on Whitetail Way. It's scary- but I must admit that it's pretty exciting, too!
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7 comments:
As I've said many times, its really tough because people refuse to even make eye contact with you.
I don't know how to bridge that gap at all.
Just punch them in the face. That will make them talk to you!
thats one way to get the conversation moving.. then you'll likely to get to know your local community police as well.. :)
Nudity censored, violence okay
Great post. Aside from Andrew's perceptive solution, you bring up such a huge problem with our current day suburbs...and more general, with the way in which most US citizens are carrying out their own version of the American dream.
In isolation. Sure, you've got country clubs and churches, full of other people mostly just like you. But how do we experience community where we live? In our own neighborhoods? Great question.
Though I don't have the answer, I will say that living in real community is AWESOME. For the year before I got married (which was ~6months ago) I lived in community with a total of 9 people. Two families, one of them with 2 kids, and 3 bachelor guys. We all moved into 2 adjoining apartments and ate dinner together every night, each chipped in in different ways like babysitting and cooking and building, we were intentional about recycling and composting and living simply, and we had great conversation all the time about our convictions. It was a wonderful year. We learned so much, and all of us desire to live in that kind of community again in the future.
So until we get to live in community like that, what do we do to create community? Especially in the suburbs, how do we do it without feeling rejection?
I started to write ideas, but I'm overwhelmed at the immensity of the problem. I'll let someone else start. :)
I would love to find some practical ways to make it work for now.. We're thinking about doing a Cul-De-Sac Party for our neighborhood once it warms up.. I don't know how well it will be received, but I'm sure the kids will at least come out for food.
The funny thing is that I've had three opportunities to talk with our next-door neighbors since I posted this. Thanks, God!!
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