Moving to a Community

As a part of the philosophical revolution that Jason and I are undergoing lately, we are seriously considering moving back to a city- either Philadelphia or Baltimore- in an effort to escape the disconnectedness of living in the suburbs. While some people don't know what I'm talking about, I know there are other people who can identify with the isolation that comes from living in suburbia. I literally do not know any of my neighbors (except for the brother and sister who live right next door- and I spoke with them this week for the first time since December!)
Of course, we cannot really move anywhere until after this new baby is at least 6 months old- since uprooting our family and moving would be quite an undertaking. According to Jason's "5-year plan", we also will not be in position to truly move until we have most of our debt paid off- which would take about 5 years. Consequently, I am faced with the conviction that I am not currently "living in community", as I would like to, but I cannot rationally move somewhere else for a long time.
This conundrum has led me to feel like maybe I should be doing more to cultivate community in my current neighborhood. It's really scary for me to even imagine doing anything to build relationships with my neighbors. It's not that I am introverted or afraid of people; it's just that my neighbors have almost all made it clear that they want nothing to do with me. I find it almost insurmountably challenging for me to compete against rejection from other people. When we first moved in- I was jubilantly friendly to our neighbors. I took homemade cookies over to them, I said "Hi" and introduced myself from our back deck, and Jason even invited them to his graduation party- now almost two years ago. Since those early, rosy days of first moving into our new house, we have been met with complete stony silence. I confess, I have completely stopped trying. I think to myself, "Message received- you don't want to know us and you would rather keep to yourself." I feel rejected- and I can rarely move forward from that place.
Meanwhile, I have transmuted that rejection from just our one set of neighbors to everyone else in our cul de sac. I feel rejection from the busy people who go in and out of their garages all around me, without ever once meeting my eyes with theirs. Jason and I talk about how difficult it is to form relationships- but I sometimes feel this nagging sense that we are just making excuses.
Maybe I need to push my way in, at least a little bit. I may find out that some of my neighbors are lonely, just like me. I am afraid of being further rejected, but I am still unhappy and lonely and isolated- so I should realize that I have nothing to lose. I might just gain something for my efforts. So I continue to grapple with my paralyzing fear of rejection, knowing fully that God is using this inner turmoil to show me that I am being called to create that feeling of community that I long for right where I am. He is showing me that He loves each and every one of my neighbors, and He wants me to show that love to them. I'm not there yet- but I have a feeling that things are going to change sometime soon on Whitetail Way. It's scary- but I must admit that it's pretty exciting, too!

Putting it all together

Well, it's no secret that a big part of my life over the past year and a half has been reshaping my life after the death of my mother. God has helped me do a lot of grief work over the past four months. I feel now life I am coming out of a long, arduous journey, and I'm trying to figure out where I want to settle down in this new, unfamiliar country.
With some guidance, I have started working through a workbook on grief. One of the things that surprised me was that restructuring your beliefs and values is a major task in the later stages of grief work. Of course, anyone who has lost someone important recognizes that such a fundamental loss causes you to put everything in new perspective, but I didn't realize how over-arching that new perspective could be. I truly feel like a completely new person compared with who I was before my mother got sick, and of course before she died.
For Jason and me, the perspective that we are adopting is one of truly living as disciples of Christ. We have started examining almost everything big or small about our lives through that lens. The fact that our little family's revolution could be part of the work of grief was initially surprising, but it really makes so much sense the more I think about it. Jason and I are both navigating our way through life without our mothers. I know that my mother was instrumental in shaping my views on the world and my place in it. I am grateful for all of the influence and honest input she gave me to help steer me in the path that I have traveled so far.
At this point, I feel like I am looking to God for more and more of the answers to questions I always posed to my mom before. It's strange to think about it that way, but I think God is behind the shift I am seeing in my ideologies and beliefs. While my mom was alive, I felt safe and secure on my path, and I never questioned my direction. Now, as I listen for guidance, I find that I question more and more of the things I thought were safe. I am reading the Bible now as a means of figuring out how to live. Oddly enough, I haven't really done that before.

A Whole New Thing

Well, not to be outdone by my husband, I guess I should start back into the blogging game. I've been on a similar but different journey over the past six months. It would take too long and be too complicated for me to try to explain things all at once. To summarize, God has been reawakening the places in my heart that first fell in love with Him, and reminding me that life can be really good if I focus on His love first, and all the other stuff after that.
God has been healing me in some broken places, and breaking me in some hardened places. On top of all of that- I am pregnant with Baby number 2! So, you could seriously say that God is doing a new thing (or, perhaps, a whole cadre of new things) in me lately!!
It's scary, exciting, humbling, awesome and intense. I'm so thankful to be in this place.

Heritage

Lately, I've been consumed with a desire to explore the various ethnicities that comprise my genealogy. My most recent fascination has been Pennsylvania Dutch heritage. I took a book out of the library on Pennsylvania Dutch folk spirituality. I'm plodding through it, but more than the actual text of the book, I am enjoying the memories it has dredged up.
My first ever funnel cake was consumed on a crisp autumn day at a Pennsylvania Dutch festival somewhere in Schwenksville, PA.
Last night, Jason and I took Zoe to a Polish festival in Wilmington. It's so exciting to be recreating things for my daughter that my mother did with me. It's not contrived, either. It feels so natural to go and do things like that.

When she was my age

While looking through these pictures a few days back, I found it so strange to be reminded of myself by my mom when she was my age. It was like finding a missing puzzle piece.